“I don’t know what happened,” a client confessed recently. He seemed bewildered by how quickly his marriage unraveled. This man’s wife, kids, house, and savings were all walking away from him and he seemed perplexed as to why.
Men and women often call our law firm full of venom towards their spouse or demanding a pitbull divorce lawyer. Sometimes, however, between the threats and tears, truth slips out: “I’m just tired” or “I did everything I could, but nothing worked”. It’s hard to hear tragic stories of brokenness, addiction, and adultery, but it’s even harder to hear the attempts at forgiveness and reconciliation rip an even larger hole in the heart of a women just trying to love her husband or a man trying to please an unhappy wife. It’s often the small things that metastasize into problems and most people are ill prepared to handle many common marital issues. Fortunately, there are books like How to Save Your Marriage Before It Starts that are full of practical advice.
“Less than a fifth of all marriages in America are preceded by some kind of formal marriage preparation” according to the authors, which begs the question: What can people do to build a long and stable marriage? They can obviously seek the counsel of professionals and friends who have some of it figured out. If, however, a newly engaged couple needs just one book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott would be a good one. In it, Les and Leslie Parrott, both psychologist and counselors, share “seven questions to ask before – and after – you marry.”
Happy Marriage Predictors
How to Save Your Marriage Before It Starts is organized into chapters based on predictors of a healthy marriage. Based on research and their experience, the authors believe “happily married couples” have these characteristics:
- Healthy expectations of marriage,
- A realistic concept of love,
- A positive attitude and outlook toward life,
- The ability to communicate their feelings,
- An understanding and acceptance of their gender differences,
- The ability to make decisions and settle arguments,
- A common spiritual foundation and goal, and
- A deep and abiding commitment and covenant together
The authors share nuggets of wisdom throughout the book. For example, they point out that most unhappy people “refuse to accept the fact that they are married to a human being.” And they tell personal stories to illustrate how even the most trained and thoughtful couples face challenges – including several public exchanges they regret.
Marriage Myths, Love, and Habits
Out of the gate, the authors take off with an analysis of marriage myths. By reviewing common misunderstandings about marriage, they are able to tease out subjects couples should address early. Three stand out:
1) Everyone brings unspoken rules into a marriage like what time to eat dinner, how to handle finances, or how to celebrate holidays. It’s important to address these things.
2) Your Spouse isn’t perfect and romance fades. We don’t really know who we marry, which is part of the mystery and magic.
3) A spouse can compliment you, not complete you. You need to be a complete person, not totally dependent on your spouse.
Other subjects addressed by the Parrott’s are equally important to discuss early in marriage. For instance, understanding that love is about more than feelings is crucial. Love entails commitment, support, patience, and sacrifice. Another observation by the authors is that happily married people have a habit of happiness. Perhaps most importantly, healthy marriages require good communication from both husbands and wives.
How to Disagree
One chapter titled, “Do you know how to fight a good fight?”, begins with the authors arguing on the streets of San Francisco as their friends awkwardly try not to pay attention. The chapter weaves their personal experiences into their central message, which is this: “Misunderstanding is a natural part of marriage…conflict is inevitable,” the story of marriage is how each couple deals with it. They continue, “the survival of a marriage, research shows, is how well couples handle disagreements.” Below are the takeaways I noted as I read the chapter:
- Fight a good fight by being respectful,
- Log a complaint about something, but don’t criticize your spouse,
- Disagreements can be good if you learn something and don’t leave scars,
- Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff,
- Be direct about what you want,
- Spot issues before they are a problem,
- In the midst of disagreement stay focused on the issue at hand, not old stuff,
- Never engage in personal attacks and put downs, and
- Learn to exit or end arguments gracefully.
One useful technique they share in the chapter is applying the “X,Y,Z” formula. “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z.” Communicating is hard, but using a tried formula can help expressing feelings without becoming too emotional or attacking.
What if every husband and wife tried the Parrott’s fighting advice and employed these ideas as part of their personal habits? Would all our families be happier, healthier, and wealthier? It’s not easy – we all battle our own egos, but it’s worth a shot. “Conflict,” as the authors note, “is the price you pay for deepening intimacy. But when you learn to fight fair, your marriage can flourish.”
The chapter on “fighting a good fight” is just a taste of the practical tools the Parrotts provide. Of course, advising people on their relationships is what the authors do for a living, so it’s comforting to hear the advice of experts. All the sections of the book are equally insightful.
Wise Advice
From matters of perception to practical advice, the authors have provided a survey of the best tools for marriage. Each question and chapter is valuable, but this is one of the few books that saves some of the best for the “back nine.” As I read the book, I took notes on questions five, six, and seven. After my wife read it, I noticed she highlighted many sections from the first few chapters. I suppose, our reading of this book is a microcosm of what’s wonderful about marriage.
If more people read and attempted the techniques discussed in How to Save Your Marriage Before It Begins, many people would have stronger marriages and happier lives. Marriages end for many reasons. Some of the most often cited reasons are fighting, poor communication, or that the couple fell out of love. These issues are preventable, but each couple has to figure out how to have a successful marriage so you don’t end up in a lawyer’s office claiming, “I don’t know what happened.”
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